The 2012 Gaming Project

Castle Shikigami 2 (PS2)

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 22:32:00 -0500

Platform: PlayStation 2
Developer: Alfa System
Publisher: XS Games
Genre: Shoot-em-up
Released: November 17, 2004
Metacritic: 67

What is it: Blind idiot translation: the video game.

0:00 – The story of Castle Shikigami 2, from the back of the box. “The time: 2006, the distant future. The Demon Gods have reappeared above the skies of Tokyo City with the goal of continuing the domination and conquest of humanity.” This game is going to be cheesy as hell, isn’t it? Ah well, time to defend the distant future six years in the past!

0:01 – Engrish alert! These three just from the difficulty select screen: “Player can play all stage”, “This mode is for a beginner”, and “Player can play fist 3 stage”.

0:03 – So the game is a top-down shoot-em-up with two attack modes that vary between the different characters and a universal bomb. Point multipliers are awarded for letting enemies or enemy shots get near you. As the game says, “That’ all. Good luck.”

0:07 – I know point systems are entirely subjective to the game, but this game has some silly point inflation going on. It’s only level 1-2 and I already have almost 150,000,000 points. This game is the Zimbabwe of scores.

0:08 – And the game has broken itself. The first boss showed up, some green haired anime-looking woman named “Arala Cran”, and it started some dialogue. Because that’s what people play shoot-em-ups for, the story. Anyways, there’s no way to clear the dialogue and the game won’t advance unless I do. I know the game isn’t frozen since I can move my character in the background, but there’s no way to keep playing. Restart!

0:15 – And back to Arala Cran. Apparently there was supposed to be voice acting that just didn’t trigger. The voices and dialogue are just as hilariously bad as you would expect, though nothing to the extent of “fist 3 stage”.

0:16 – Boss defeated! Cue more hilarious dialogue.
“Tough!”
“Forgive me. Prayer for your soul.”
“Okay, maybe not so bad.” *explodes*

0:17 – Same bug, but now I know the cause. I’m playing the game on a PS3 and have been pausing it at times using the Home button so I can do this type up. If I pause it like that if there’s supposed to be dialogue then voices won’t trigger, making progress impossible. In other words, it’s my own damn fault. Oops.

0:18 – Trying a different character this time. His extremely serious intro dialogue: “We don’t need it. …okay, maybe it’s time to play hero. Come on!”

0:19 – Okay, this new character’s alternate attack is just summoning a ghost lady who flies around the screen murdering everything with ruthless efficiency. I don’t have to do anything, just hold down the square button and dodge the occasional bullet that actually gets through. The game basically plays itself.

0:23 – Again with Arala Cran, but new dialogue for the new character. “I like girls. …but now, it’s about justice.” So it is, protagonist. So it is. At least until 10 seconds later when he says “You have two choices: A. Beaten then caught; B. Caught then beaten.” Apparently it’s about justice and total brutality.

0:24 – “Go home. Regret this.” “It’s idiot power!” *explodes* “Too much fighting! I don’t like it!! Kicking your butts.” At this point I’m playing the game to see what hilarious thing it’ll say next.

0:32 – Yay, a new boss! A white haired guy named Dundeon. He goes down without much difficulty. “That why we were chosen by the castle.” “What?” “You don’t recognize it.” *explodes*

0:37 – And it gets challenging really fast. Game over. That just means I get to try a new character! Hilarious dialogue, ho!

0:38 – “Crooked —- castle? I see. New world, new order, guess the rest failed. I will fight!” Yes you will, anime witch lady. Yes you will.

0:41 – So this character’s special attack can only be described as ordering her butler to call down an orbital strike with manual targeting. Interesting. Makes the game much more engaging than with the last character.

0:44 – God dammit, what the hell? That same bug just occurred but without me pausing the game. It just happened, unprompted, and now the game is broken again. I know there can be problems with some PS2 games on PS3s that do backwards compatibility via emulation. I guess that’s the cause. Either way, I’m done. Three strikes, you’re out.

Conclusion: Castle Shikigami 2 is a wholly unremarkable, though not bad, shoot-em-up made special by how incredibly dumb it is. Hilarious translation errors and voice acting make each cut scene a treat. It’s a lot of fun as long as you’re okay with laughing at a game instead of with it.

Will I keep playing it: On a PS2? Yes. On my PS3? Never again.

Cave Story+

Sat, 28 Jan 2012 16:12:00 -0500

Platform: PC (reviewed), WiiWare, DSiWare, 3DS
Developer: Studio Pixel
Genre: Metroidvania
Released: November 22, 2011
Metacritic: 83

What is it: Talk to bunnies, jump around, shoot stuff, something, something, dragons.

0:00 – A dude with green hair sits at a computer and types some exposition in the form of an IM chat. Apparently he’s escaped and needs help. Eh, not the worst way to launch a story I’ve seen. And we’re off!

0:01 – First thing I notice is the controls are rather weird. You move with the arrow keys, up is jump, down is interact, and the z button is jump. Really? Z? Not the big ol’ spacebar right next to it?

0:03 – This is another game that goes for the whole “retro” aesthetic. The music is quite nice, but the visuals? Just not feeling it. Also, I just got a gun. Yay?

0:08 – Another random green hair dude scene after I deal with a door that tries to kill me. Now I’m talking to rabbits. Video games!

0:10 – One cute touch is if you press the down button when there’s nothing to interact with a little “?” appears above our as-of-yet-unnamed protagonist’s head. Then again, I’m a sucker for anything that reminds me of Metal Gear Solid.

0:18 – Lots of looking around the village to figure out what to do next. Found a silver locket, no idea what to do with it.

0:20 – Correction: found what I need to do with it, now I’m in a boss battle with a large TV-looking enemy who burst through the door Kool-Aid Man style. Also had a visit from a character that fits perfectly into the “odd hair colored, magic using evil woman” archetype. Still not sure what to make of this game. It’s alternately charming, unique, and derivative.

0:22 – Or I can just skip the boss fight by saying I don’t want to fight him. …forget that, that evil TV is going down.

0:24 – Suck it, evil TV Kool-Aid man! Also, one of the rabbits got kidnapped. Now back to figuring out what the heck to do.

0:30 – So I’m off to the town graveyard to get a key to a house from the grave of the recently deceased town hero. Defiling corpses… for justice! Also, the new enemies are cure mushrooms. For such a cute game it sure has some dark undertones.

0:31 – Finally level up! My reward? My crappy gun now shoots two short ranged shots instead of just one! Yay?

0:35 – And now teleportation. I’m off to a place called the “Egg Corridor.” There I fight elephants and blobs while a robot gives me advice. I swear, this game…

0:38 – Max level achieved. Looks like I’m leveling up my weapon, not my character. Well, then give me some new guns rather than wasting all this XP I’m getting.

0:39 – A giant, evil-looking bunny just beat up a smaller one. I’m going to assume that has something to do with the plot and not just the developer hating bunnies.

0:40 – A cloaked figure in a place called “Cthulu’s Abode” comments I must have lost my memory before chuckling to himself. Ominous. Also, amnesia? Really? Amnesia has to be the most overused plot element in games today. This is a video game, not a soap opera.

0:45 – A missile launcher! Now we’re talking! Oh, and something about dragon eggs and poisonous red flowers. Whatever. Missile launcher!

0:48 – I just cannot get used to these controls! The button I think should be jump is shoot and vice versa. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if you’re going to make a PC game, let players rebind the controls as they want. (Edit: Looks like there is an option to rebind controls, but it’s not accessible in game, just through the main menu. A baffling design choice if you ask me.)

0:59 – A bit of problem solving, a bit of dying due to control related issues, and I face off against the giant evil rabbit, appropriately named Igor. Lots of shooting him later and I’m supposed to find a password to hatch an egg to get off of the island I’m currently on. Looks like the game is starting to develop a plot. Awesome.

Conclusion: Despite the first 30 minutes being unremarkable, CS+ started to show some interesting plot threads and some challenging combat towards the end. I’ll be surprised if it ends up being on par with the likes of Metroid of Castlevania, but CS+ looks to be a solid entry in the genre.

Will I keep playing it: Yes, but with not before tinkering with the controls or using a gamepad.

Gradius III & IV (PS2)

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 18:08:26 -0500

Platform: PS2
Developer: KCET
Publisher: Konami
Genre: Shoot-em-up
Released: November 13, 200
Metacritic: 64

What is it: Two old school shoot-em-ups in one masochistic package.

0:00 – I love the Gradius series to almost no end. Gradius V is one of my favorite games on the PS2, Gradius Collection on the PSP, but yet I’ve never played IV and only the poor SNES port of III. Let’s see if this lives up to the series’ golden standard.

0:02 – The Vic Viper flies around in space, does awesome stuff, and then (as the series dictates) shoots the core. It works well as an intro but only makes me wonder why they haven’t tried making a Gradius game in the style of a combat flight simulator. Like what Project Sylpheed did with the Silpheed franchise, but better.

0:05 – Starting with Gradius III. Start the first level, die within a minute. Yep, it’s Gradius alright.

0:08 – Game over already. No progress at all beyond my first death. Not too surprising in Gradius, since you lose all your power ups upon death. Very much grounded in old school arcade game design, which hates you for having the nerve to try and beat it. Once more into the breach!

0:14 – A bit more progress followed by a game over. Gradius III has a reputation for being particularly difficult, even for a Gradius game. That reputation is well deserved. I usually have no trouble with shoot-em-ups, and I haven’t even reached the first boss yet.

0:19 – Yet another game over, again very little progress, but yet I’m loving it. It’s difficult to explain exactly why I enjoy this. A lack of progress and quick succession of deaths would irritate me to no end with other game, but here I accept it. Part of it has to do with expectations: if I expect to die a lot it doesn’t annoy me so much. But more than that is the level of precision, of perfection needed to advance. You don’t have an all-powerful ship, enemies are all around you, and you need to be lightning quick to avoid death. Add in the clearness of how to improve (oh, I just need to go down instead of up, or target that enemy first) and it makes progress seem very achievable but just hard enough to be elusive. The result is a feeling of great satisfaction for the slightest bit of progress. To me that’s a welcome change from a world of games where progress is taken for granted instead of earned.

0:30 – And still no real progress. Time to stop beating my head against the wall here and try Gradius IV.

0:35 – Two things stand out about Gradius IV. First, the game is easier than Gradius III, despite moving at a noticeably faster pace. Second, this game has what can only be described as PlayStation 1-tastic graphics.

0:38 – First boss reached! The addition of a continue option really helps. I am now fighting a three headed space dragon that transforms into a three headed space sea turtle that throws chunks of its brain at me that, if hit, explode deadly projectiles in all directions. Huh.

0:49 – Space dragon defeated and now at the second boss, a giant space murder-flower. Problem with this game is the faster pace results in gameplay feeling less precise. In Gradius III, if you moved, it’s your own damn fault. With Gradius IV, it feels a little looser, which is not good. Add in the ability to continue and it feels less like fighting for, and earning, every inch you take from the game, which is what makes Gradius games in general so rewarding. I can understand why Gradius IV is generally considered the weakest of the main series.

0:54 – Plant boss defeated, next level is… space ice bubbles? What?

1:00 - Yet another game over. A fitting end point.

Conclusion: Gradius III and IV are frustrating games that have absolutely no problem killing you and casting you aside. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. For a precision shoot-em-up, that’s how it should be.

Will I keep playing it: Through gritted teeth, yes.

Osmos (PC)

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 16:31:00 -0500

Platform: PC (reviewed), iPhone/iPad
Developer: Hemisphere Games
Genre: Other
Released: August 18, 2009
Metacritic: 80

What is it: Na naaaa nanana na na NA na primordial soup damacy!

0:00 – Odd music plays while cell-esque objects float by on the screen. The only option is the two intro levels. “Go for it!” the game cheers.

0:01 – I am a cell… type thingy. Movement is controlled by pointing the mouse opposite where I want to go and propelling myself by ejecting mass. I swear it’s not as disgusting as it sounds.

0:02 – You can absorb smaller objects by touching them, making you grow larger. So, it’s an almost-as-trippy 2D version of Katamari.

0:06 – So the goal of the game (so far) is to advance through levels absorbing other objects to achieve a certain objective (be the biggest, absorb a certain target, etc). Basic, but the movement system makes it more interesting. Not sure how long it will keep me entertained, but it’s working for now.

0:07 – Objective: Absorb the Ovarium. Uh…

0:12 – Not much change in the game structure, but the targets are getting more intelligent about avoiding me. Combined with the imprecise nature of movement and that movement costs you mass, it adds an extra level of strategy to the game. Be careful with your movements, or the hunter will become the hunted.

0:18 – Definitely getting more challenging. Just spent the last 5 minutes trying to absorb one Nemocyte, a particularly crafty enemy type. Next objective? Absorb 3 Nemocytes. Sigh.

0:22 – Thankfully when the objective is “Absorb X”, it doesn’t mean you have to do the absorbing yourself. It just needs to be absorbed. Makes chasing your foe into a larger object a very valuable strategy.

0:27 – So there are two key kinds of forces at work in the force levels. There are the repulsors, which push away material, and attractors, which pull material in and also provide something you can orbit around. And if you feed the attractor, you can collapse the system and everything dies. What fun.

0:39 – Doing the third category of missions: ambient. It may sound relaxing, but the level I’m currently on began with this warning: Matter + Antimatter = Annihilation.

0:40 – Okay, so matter touching antimatter means equal amounts of both get destroyed rather than absorbed, not matter touches antimatter, everything dies.

0:45 – Now the levels are getting more puzzle based, forcing you carefully navigate and manipulate your environments to survive rather than just charging off absorbing everything.

0:55 – One nice thing the game offers is the ability to redo the level map. Each map is randomized around a central theme, so if you’re having too much trouble, just re-randomize and hope for better luck.

0:58 – Huh. Looks like I’m already on the last levels of the game. That didn’t take long.

1:00 – And the game is done screwing around. This level is teeming with enemies and any hesitation will get me outsized and killed. This from a game that, until now, has tended to punish quick action. I get the feeling I’m going to die. A lot.

Conclusion: On one hand, I can’t shake the feeling that Osmos feels like a tech demo hastily turned into a game. It’s basic and short. However, what’s there is fun and challenging, so I really can’t complain that much.

Will I keep playing it: Yes.

Hegemony: Phillip of Macedon (PC)

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 13:40:10 -0500

Platform: PC
Developer: Longbow Digital Arts
Genre: Real-time strategy
Released: November 5, 2010
Metacritic: 66

What is it: The blandest RTS ever.

0:00 – The campaign begins with a historical background. I am Phillip of Macedon. The king has been killed in battle, the heir an infant, and I’ve just been elected regent to serve in the king’s stead. The kingdom’s survival is in my hands. No pressure or anything.

0:10 – Huh. Really nothing to say about this one. It’s a rather simple, straight-forward real time strategy game with elements of city building and maintaining supply routes. There’s nothing particularly good or bad about it. Guess the camera is a bit slow repositioning when you move it use the mini-map, and the zoomed out map using models to represent units is a cute touch. That’s it so far.

0:20 – Just killed off a competitor, starting a small cut scene talking about the would-be king I just killed. It’s remarkable just how little impact everything has. The game just seems to happen, no force or definition to the events of it. It’s all just a very ordinary affair, bordering on blandness.

0:35 – Just checking in to let you know that, no, the game has not gotten more impactful, just more of the same blandness.

1:00 – Well, that’s one hour I’m not getting back. If it was at least bad I’d have something to take away from it, but this game was just bland averageness.

Conclusion: Make me happy, make me sad, make me laugh, make me angry, just evoke some kind of reaction in me. I play games to be engaged, to be entertained in one way or another, be it the triumph of victory, the compulsion to play just one more turn, reveling in a brilliantly told story, or even just the simple joy of ripping apart a terrible game. This game did none of that. I’m saying about this game the worst thing I can say about any game: it bored me.

Will I keep playing it: No.

Limbo (PC)

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 12:17:12 -0500

Platform: PC (played), XBLA, PSN
Developer: PLAYDEAD
Genre: Platformer/puzzle
Released: July 21, 2010
Metacritic: 88

Summary: Face of a super model, heart of a serial killer.

0:00 - Start in a forest lying on the ground. Slowly I wake up, get up, and I’m in control. No ceremony, just gloomy, foreboding atmosphere and an ominous monochromatic color scheme.

0:01 - Odd control scheme for the PC. Movement is fixed to the arrow keys, rather than allowing the typical WASD movement. Only other button is a nebulous “action” button, which is fixed to Ctrl of all keys. Not too happy with that. Making a computer game without the ability to rebind the controls just seems lazy to me.

0:02 - Limbo is an atmospheric game, using ambient noise to add to the feel of it. So, of course, my roommate just now decided to start vacuuming. Thank god for headphones.

0:04 - So far the game is just basic platforming and puzzle solving. It’s hauntingly beautiful, though.

0:05 - Walked into a bear trap and died. Surprisingly graphic death animation. Really adds to the looming threat that the atmosphere provides.

0:09 - Okay, in just the past 5 minutes the game has gone from “hauntingly beautiful” to “I’m not really noticing the environment anymore because everything in the forest wants me dead.”

0:11 - Dying a lot now. Fortunately the game doesn’t really punish you due to frequent checkpoints and fast load times. Also, apparently the kid you play as both cannot swim and drowns after a couple of seconds. Either this forest is full of the not-water from the Vamp boss fight in MGS 2, or this kid sucks at life.

0:13 - Nor, for that matter, can he hold onto a floating box to keep from drowning. I’m not sure why that’s not a valid answer to this platforming puzzle, but apparently Limbo wants me to do things it’s way, whatever that may be.

0:16 - No wonder I couldn’t solve this puzzle. It wasn’t a puzzle at all, it was a death trap disguised as a puzzle indicating that I was going the wrong way. Fantastic.

0:18 - So rather than using the floating box that’s right there to float to the other side, you’re instead supposed to drag the floating box ashore, use it to jump onto a hanging vine, scale 40 feet into the air, and push over a damaged part of a tree trunk to float across on. Yes, that makes so much more sense than just using the box. How silly of me.

0:20 - OH SHIT A GIANT MURDER-SPIDER. THAT’S NOT A GOOD PRIZE.

0:21 - Impaled vertically by one of the giant spider legs then tossed aside like rubbish. This game does not pull it’s punches. Even in a world of games where you saw people in half, this has to be one of the most graphically brutal games I’ve played in a long while.

0:24 - Clever puzzle there involving the giant murder-spider, involving tricking it into destroying it’s own legs via bear trap and careful timing. More of that, less esoteric, roundabout problem solving, please.

0:27 - Trapped by a spider, stabbed, wrapped up in a spider web, and not only did it not kill me, it gave me just what I needed to advance. This game is seriously fucked up.

0:30 - While wrapped in the web the only way to move is via hopping. I’m sure they didn’t mean this, but the devs have managed to make a kid lost in the woods, trapped in spider web, and pitifully hopping along look… silly.

0:32 - Good news: escaped another spider and got out of the webbing. Bad news: death traps are getting more complicated.

0:33 - Starting to notice dead bodies in the background. I expected this game to be more moody and contemplative, not murderously brutal.

0:35 - A marionette murder-spider? What the fuck?

0:36 - The marionette was being operated by another kid who ran away as I got close. Well shit, I’m not alone. Y’know, beyond the murder-spiders.

0:38 - Okay, there are multiple other kids here, and they’re trying to set me on fire and throwing bear traps at me. Why do I get the feeling that therapists would have a field day with the developers of this game?

0:42 - And the murder-spider kills the other kids. This game is making the world of Madworld look friendly.

0:43 - EAT BOULDER, MURDER-SPIDER! I found that way more triumphant than I probably should’ve.

0:45 - And now I’m having way too much fun hopping on the head of a crippled murder-spider. That’s right, you can’t hurt me! Suck it, death incarnate!

0:46 - I hadn’t noticed before that the spiders make a purring sound. I notice this as I viciously rip off the murder-spider’s one remaining leg off and roll his still-living body so I can shove it into a pit of deadly spikes, allowing me to cross. This is feeling less like a video game and more like creepy interactive snuff-porn. I’m sure they’re going for horror (and they somewhat succeed), but it just seems more like exploitative brutality for the sake of it.

0:52 - Now a puzzle solved by dragging a drowned corpse out of the shallows and throwing it into a pit, triggering a tripwire and dropping a massive stone, crushing the drowned corpse. Even the makers of the Saw movies would wondering if this is a bit excessive. Also, brain controlling larvae. Yay.

0:55 - Three murder-kids come after me, I lead them into the traps I just dodged, and they get brutally killed. I’m running out of things to say about how brutal this game is.

1:00 - Shockingly I finish the hour without dying or killing anything else, aside from disposing of an enterprising brain larvae that tried to drown me.

Conclusion: While the most obvious parts of Limbo are the remarkable aesthetics and the stunning acts of brutality, at its core Limbo is a very good puzzle platformer. Aside from that one puzzle earlier on, the puzzles all make sense and are just tough enough to provide challenge without being frustrating.

Will I play it again: Yes.

Atom Zombie Smasher (PC)

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 13:47:13 -0500

Atom Zombie Smasher (PC)

Platform: PC
Developer: Blendo Games
Publisher: Blendo Games
Genre: Strategy
Released: March 14, 2011
Metacritic: 75

What is it: Command mercenaries and fight zombies a minute at a time.

0:00 – The game begins by awarding you a diploma in the “Master Study of the Recently-Possible,” dated May 5th, 1960 as music straight out of Pulp Fiction plays. Well, that gets my attention.

0:03 – This game subscribes to the “Just throw ‘em right in” school of thought. One quick rescue mission, one city zone overrun by zombies (I’m sorry, “Zed”), and I’m on my way.

0:09 – So the essence of the game is you have a chunk of city that’s about to be overrun by Zed that has a bunch of civilians in it. You need to position your units (soldiers, landmines, etc), as well as the landing zone of the rescue chopper, to rescue the maximum amount of civilians. Either you rescue them, or they get infected and become Zed. It’s simple in a small scale, but I can see this becoming very complicated, possibly even overwhelming, later on. Also, concerning if the dual “victory tracks,” one for humans, one for zombies. Apparently there’s a metagame going on here where if you win each level, but don’t do well enough, you could still lose in the end. Interesting.

0:13 – I’m loving the retro aesthetic of the game. Between the sepia toned theme and the simple dots that represent people, units, and Zed, it creates a minimalistic appearance that really fits the gameplay. Game like this benefits from simplicity, rather than overly elaborate graphics that could distract or obscure.

0:14 – Okay, after completing the mission, the game offered me a vignette to watch about a guy who finds himself trapped in his house surrounded by Zed. He responds by eating a pound of mushrooms and grabbing his katana. Well that came out of nowhere.

0:22 – Three retries on a mission, followed by a gold medal. Two things I like about this game are that it becomes quickly apparent if your strategy is going to work and that it doesn’t really penalize you if you want to stop a mission and retry it. I’m glad the game makes it easier to experiment with different strategies, because sometimes the placement of a couple of barricades makes all the difference.

0:25 – A couple of seconds of negligence and half the town becomes Zed. Restart! For a tactics game it does a nice job keeping you on your toes.

0:28 – Thanks to the addition of artillery (which is just as devastating as you’d expect) I actually manage to wipe out the attacking Zed and save this chunk of the town. I didn’t even know you could do that! I just figured “Hey, it’s a zombie game, the town is screwed, just get the people out.” Nice job suprising me, game.

0:32 – Well crap. A higher level difficulty map with no infantry or barricades to help me out, just slow firing artillery and pre-set explosives. This is going to suuuuuck.

0:40 – Sure enough, that did suck. Passed with the bare minimum needed. The Zed sure won that one. Need to be more mindful of which units I have available to help.

0:42 – New element added: scientists. Rescue them and I gain research points I can use to buy upgrades. Another level of depth added. Keep on impressin’, game.

0:57 – How good is this game? So good I just spent 15 minutes trying to get a long-shot strategy I knew could work to work instead of just accepting a passable victory and being done in 2 minutes. I don’t usually do that, but I not only wanted to, I needed to. I refused to accept acceptable and was determined to destroy those Zed bastards. That’s how good this game is.

1:00 – The hour is up, but I’m going to keep on playing. Somebody has to crush the Zed menace.

Conclusion: Atom Zombie Smasher can best be described as a high speed tower defense game delivered in bite sized chunks. It makes for a game that is both deeply strategic and (at times) absolutely frantic. Combined with the retro aesthetic and overall oddness and you have a uniquely compelling game.

Will I keep playing it: Already have. After finishing the write up I played for another 3 hours. Now to play some more.

Steel Storm: Burning Retribution (PC)

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 13:23:35 -0500

Platform: PC
Developer: Creative Artel
Publisher: Creative Artel
Genre: Shoot-em-up
Released: May 11, 2011
Metacritic: 55

What is it: Blow up everything in front of you, move to objective, lather, rinse, repeat.

0:00 - No fancy intro stuff, just a menu (with tons of options) and some dramatic wartime music. A bit of customization and I’m off!

0:01 - Okay, so this isn’t a shoot-em-up in the style of Gradius or Ikaruga, but instead in the style of Assault Force or the top-down levels of Contra 3. Either way, time to destroy everything.

0:04 - Well that was a fast first mission. Two things I immediately like about this game are the graphics, which are simple but have a nice cell shaded design to them, and that the game rewards you for destroying everything. The point of a shoot-em-up like this is carnage. Glad to see the developers promoting that.

0:06 - A suggestion to game developers: if you’re going to give out bonuses such as double kill, triple kill, etc, have a voice that announces it, Unreal Tournament style. Really would help add to the feeling of power that goes along with games that encourage total destruction.

0:13 - I know AI isn’t a major point in shoot-em-ups, but so far all enemies can be defeated by simply circle-strafing. Either the game is holding back early on, or all deaths are going to be due to overwhelming enemy firepower.

0:15 - Mission objective: destroy all heavy tanks. This is the kind of game design I can get behind!

0:19 - Really the best way to describe this game (so far) is it’s a shoot-em-up corridor shooter. Just progress down the corridors, it’s impossible to get lost or miss your objectives, and shoot everything in your way. That’s it. It won’t win any awards, but it makes for some fun mindless blasting.

0:21 - A beam cannon? Now we’re talking.

0:23 - Hey, there’s a story to this! Apparently aliens have invaded and I’m piloting an experimental hovertank behind enemy lines to try and get rid of them. And the credits roll. That can’t be the whole game… can it?

0:24 - Okay, there is more game. For some reason they run the credits at the end of the tutorial levels. Odd design choice, but whatever.

0:30 - New levels, new enemies, yet it doesn’t feel any different. I’m still enjoying it, but waiting for some new variety.

0:33 - Two problems I’ve noticed. First, is the horizontal layout of the game. It has to be due the computer monitor being horizontal, but it makes it harder to target enemies. If you see an enemy on the left edge of the screen and spin around to target it, you can’t see it anymore, but it sure can see and target you. Secondly, when you die the game takes away all your weapons besides the default machine gun. Games like Gradius can get away with that since they’re about precision, but this game is all about blowing stuff up. Don’t take away from that.

0:36 - One thing the game adds in the main campaign is a station you can run over and swap your weapons out. Problem is it doesn’t pause the game and takes up about 3/4 of the screen and isn’t easy to get out of. Accidentally trigger it while trying to avoid enemy fire and you’re dead.

0:43 - Remember what I said about death by overwhelming force? The game has developed a nasty habit of artificially creating difficulty via spawning massive amounts of enemies completely surrounding you whenever you accomplish something. Opened a force field? Congrats, here’s seven enemies on every side already firing at you. Enjoy respawning and losing all your cool weapons!

0:44 - “You’re a maniac!” the game proclaims after a long kill streak. C’mon game, you can’t say something like that and just ignore the obvious musical cue.

0:46 - Okay game, I get it. I’m in an ice level. You don’t need to loudly play the sound of ice cracking every 10 seconds.

0:49 - As much as I’ve complained in the last few comments, I’d like to restate that the core gameplay, blowing stuff up, remains a lot of fun.

0:53 - Out of ships, game over, retry level. It’ll take more than 7 minutes to get back to where I was. Yeah, I’m calling it on this game.

Will I play it again: Yes. The game has a lot of annoyances, but there’s something undeniably fun about blowing stuff up. As long as the game doesn’t get in the way of that, I’m willing to keep playing.

Solar 2 (PC)

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 13:29:29 -0500

Platform: PC
Developer: Murudai
Publisher: Murudai
Genre: Other?
Release date: June 17, 2011
Metacritic: 72

What is it: Explore the galaxy, absorb asteroids and planets, grow into a solar system, and… well, that’s about it.

0:00 - I’m liking this already. How many games start with the big bang, followed by saying “Welcome to the universe”? Not enough.

0:02 - You begin as a small asteroid. You fly around the universe and grow by slamming into other asteroids. It’s an open world Katamari Damacy on a cosmic scale. Awesome.

0:05 - I try my first mission and almost immediately crash into a star, killing me. Gravity is a bitch.

0:08 - Keep growing and you level up to different types of planet. Just became large enough to support life. Now I have little ships that surround me, blowing up anything that might threaten me. Again, awesome.

0:13 - First mission completed. The god narrator instructs me to go to a certain point in the galaxy, but without getting hit. Not too challenging, but it is a starting mission.

0:15 - “Here is a planet full of skunks. I need you to exterminate it.” Yes sir, god narrator!

0:20 - It’s an entirely different kind of game, but Solar 2 has the same appeal as Civilization IV. It’s a bit slow to build up, but constantly growing and working towards the next level makes for a compelling experience.

0:22 - I fight off a bunch of attacking ships. “You have such sexy beaches,” the god narrator comments. “No wonder they want to settle on you.” How unsettling.

0:25 - A bit more growing and I’ve turned into a small star. Sucks for the life on me. Now I can get planets to orbit me, and asteroids to orbit those planets. Nice.

0:35 - The difficulty of missions really ramp up quickly the larger you get. Last missions had me fighting off waves of alien attackers which I was, in no way, prepared for. It was not pretty.

0:50 - There’s really not much more to say about this game. You fly around, get new planets, grow, and complete missions. That’s it so far. It’s nothing remarkable, but it’s a passable time waster.

0:51 - Okay, scratch that, now the mission markers aren’t showing up anymore. Did I get too big for the missions or is it a glitch? Either way, lame.

1:00 - Yep, nothing’s changed in the last 10 minutes. Ah well.

Will I play it again: Probably not. The game starts out strong but doesn’t really develop that well beyond the first 30 minutes, resulting in dull repetition.

Chrome (PC)

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 16:42:00 -0500

Platform: PC
Developer: Techland
Publisher: Strategyfirst
Genre: FPS
Release date: October 28, 2003
Metacritic: 69

What is it?: A generic sci-fi FPS loaded with cliches and bad ideas.

0:00 - Two people sitting in the cockpit of a spaceship while ominous music plays. The game was released in 2003, and it certainly shows.

0:01 - Two people (not the same two) sit in a cockpit of a spaceship (different cockpit) and talk in cliche action movie dialogue about a mission. Apparently their names are Bolt Logan and Ron “Pointer” Hertz, headed to the planet Zorg. This already seems like a bad action movie that takes itself too seriously. Also, one of them sounds like he’s voiced by Duke Nukem. It doesn’t help.

0:04 - I’m already getting a bad feeling about this. The default bindings have you using WASD, the mouse, and reaching over to hit keys like I or M. Did anyone bother to play test this control scheme before it was released? Thank god for the ability to rebind controls.

0:06 - I complete the tutorials and my partner and I run forward through a nearby forest. Epic music plays as nothing happens. Whee.

0:08 - I’m liking how they handle the inventory system. It’s reminicient of the atache case from Resident Evil 4 (except this came first). I’m less fond of how you get items from fallen enemies. If I can take their ammo and it won’t take any more room in my inventory, why do I have to click, drag, and drop it? Definitely could’ve used some streamlining.

0:14 - The artificial intelligence… well, it isn’t. Normally I’d expect someone to react if the guard next to them gets shot in the head by a loud sniper rifle, but not these guys.

0:16 - Someone is running to my right, I shoot them with the rifle, and their body goes helicoptering off to the left. Ooookay.

0:21 - Partner earlier: “We could each take 100 of these guys barehanded!” Partner now: “I’m in deep shit! Help me out!” I expect to find at least 100 guys attacking him. More realisticaly, I expect to be disappointed.

0:23 - And I died. The only option is to restart the mission, tutorials and all. Makes me realize just how much a difference checkpoints make. Time to start quicksaving always.

0:25 - One of my biggest small annoyances in games is when you have two movements speeds, run and walk, and your allies always move faster than you walk but slower than you run. Stopping and going just to keep pace with allied AI is not fun.

0:28 - Another annoyance: unskippable cut scenes. This game is just finding all kinds of ways to irritate me.

0:29 - This sniper keeps hitting me the second I pop out of cover. Is the AI tracking me through solid objects? Because nothing pisses me off as much as cheating AI.

0:41 - Alright, back to where I was and a bit further. Plenty of generic FPS action, though not a run-and-gun game like many of the era. Requires strategy and use of cover to keep from getting killed.

0:42 - SHOCKING! The AI character that isn’t featured in any of the promotional images on Steam or in the game has turned on me! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

0:43 - The now evil AI sidekick says I’m about to die. “Objective accomplished!” the game cheerfully tells me. Yay?

0:45 - So the extent of his genious plan to kill me was to send two enemy grunts after me. The same grunts I’ve already killed a half-dozen of. This is the plan he spent 2 minutes monologuing about how genius it was. What an idiot.

0:50 - I get trapped, only to be rescued by a blond woman wearing what can only be described as a jump suit made out of a taxi cab. Same shade of yellow, complete with black and white checkerboards on the arm. This is, of course, accepted as totally normal. An alliance is formed, banter is had, and we’re off!

0:55 - A couple of rooms, and some more grunts, later and we enter an elevator. Taxi cab lady walks to the control panel, does a complete 360, then pushes the button. Huh. Pretty sure that wasn’t supposed to happen.

0:57 - Some things about this new character. First, taxi cab lady doesn’t stand normally when not moving, she stands in the obligatory, hips swayed “sultry” stance that must be really uncomfortable. Second, her walking animation is rather awkward unless viewed from one angle: behind, which works to show off her distinctly highly detailed butt. Third, you have to clear the room for her because she’s unarmed and, despite successfully sneaking into an occupied and heavily guarded base, can’t use one your weapons because… reason. Fourth, every time you tell her its safe to move ahead she, a bit too cheerfully, replies “I’m coming!” with a distinct emphasis on the second word. Once again a game disappoints me by making another potentially interesting female character into a defenseless sex object that you need to protect. Disgusting. Even more so because she has a tendency to stand around with her mouth agape, looking a bit too much like a blowup sex doll.

0:58 - Another elevator, another 360 turn from taxi cab lady. What the hell?

0:59 - Reach the roof and I get killed quickly. Yeah, I think that’s enough for this game.

Will I play it again: No. The core shooting isn’t bad (if dated) but there’s a lot of minor annoyances that add up, the characters and story are, so far, intellectually devoid, and then there’s the uncomfortable, unnecessary, overly-objectified, taxi cab clad female partner that adds nothing.

Sid Meier's Civilization IV

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 15:03:00 -0500

Platform: PC
Developer: Firaxis
Publisher: 2K
Genre: Empire building strategy
Metacritic: 94

What is it: Choose a civilization, grow your empire, and conquer your foes through means both military and peaceful. And wait. A lot.

0:00 - I’ve never played a proper Civilization game before, but I sunk hours into Civilization Revolution, which is supposed to be Civilization with less micromanaging.

0:01 - Intro cinematic zooms in on earth, pans over armies battling, zooms to a city full of teeming masses gathered to see a single individual atop a pedestal. I guess that’s supposed to be me. Nice feeling of epicness to kick the game off.

0:02 - As expected there’s no campaign, just a game generator. Single player, continents map, American Empire, and the easiest difficulty. Look out world, here I come!

0:06 - Lots of killing time in the beginning, waiting for research to be completed. Rather dull, really.

0:08 - And I’ve met the Aztecs. “You play ceremonial ball with us, we’ll play ceremonial ball with you,” they say. Cute.

0:12 - Hinduism was just discovered, 400 years after Buddhism. Yay alternative history!

0:16 - It’s kind of fun just exploring the world around me, but the slow pace of the early game is starting to annoy me.

0:22 - And I’ve met the French. The game handles this by having Louis the XIVth suddenly pop up on screen waving his hand at me. It’s disorienting, so say the least.

0:24 - I’ve entered the classical era! Not sure what I did to deserve this (the game sure doesn’t say), but… yay?

0:34 - This game rapidly settles into a soothing monotony. Just constantly building up my city, making improvements, expanding my nation, etc etc, none of which is particularly exciting but is quickly addictive. I can see why the Civilization series is so well regarded.

0:36 - There are multiple menus in here with icons that aren’t obviously self-explanatory and don’t have labels of any kind. I’m sure there’s an explanation in the in-game glossary, but that seems like an unnecessary inconvenience.

0:39 - Confucianism: founded by America in 1160 BC.

0:45 - Agreeing to open borders was a mistake. All these enemy units moving freely through my territory is starting to psych me out.

0:50 - Just met the Arabian Empire. There has to be a better way to handle meeting new empires instead of just… suddenly, Saladin.

0:54 - I’ve entered the medieval era in 700 BC. This game just loves to break history.

1:00 - Okay, that did not feel like an hour. As soon as you get into the groove of the game, the time just slips right by.

Will I play it again: Yes, but with the game speed turned way up. I see why they made Civilization Revolution. This game is fun but way too slow.

Ben There, Dan That

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 19:01:00 -0500

Platform: PC
Developer: Size Five Games
Genre: Point-and-click adventure

What is it: Indie adventure game that bills itself as a tribute to games like Monkey Island and Sam & Max Hit the Road.

0:00 – Open the game then quit immediately. The option to turn on full screen mode isn’t in the game itself, it’s in the configuration program that Steam has to launch separately. Minor annoyance, but when I see the game in full screen mode I understand why. 640x480 stretched over a 1680x1050 monitor looks ugly as hell. Back to windowed mode!

0:01 – The menu and simple background music immediately remind me of a Newgrounds game. Not surprised, given the game’s freeware origins.

0:03 – “Two weeks ago in Peru…” I use a rocket on a zombie suspended from a cable by holding onto a duck, pick up a nearby lighter, and send the zombie flying across the canyon to be reanimated. Cue a James Bond credit sequence. I can’t quite tell if it’s charming or trying too hard to be unique. A bit of both perhaps.

0:06 – In the last minute the game has shown pictures of both Sam & Max and Day of the Tentacle, as well as referencing the Lucas Art’s glory days making adventure games. They weren’t really humorously woven in as much as thrown up there. Probably not a good idea to remind me of the all-time greats of the genre unless you’re reaaaaally confident in your game.

0:10 – If the point is to create a feeling of familiarity between the two main characters, mission accomplished. The banter between them gets the feeling of being humorous to them but not so much to the outside observer. A neat effect, but for a genre driven by humor and punchy writing it’s quite out of place. Not as out of place as the music, though. Horribly repetitive to the point of annoyance.

0:12 - As per usual, this being an adventure game, I have failed to hop onto the developers train of thought and am now looking at a walk through. Only 12 minutes in. Go me. I’ll bet I’m going to kick myself from how obvious the solution seems afterwards.

0:13 - *Kick*

0:16 – A quick teleportation, alien abduction, and dimensional portal later and I’m in a zombie apocalypse version of London. The banter is getting funnier but would be helped by voice acting. Also, the change in background music is greatly appreciated.

0:20 – A simple puzzle involving looking up bible verses and candles provides a welcome change of pace and I’m talking to a crazed priest in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. Not much to be said for originality, but can’t complain about the execution.

0:26 – The key is hopping various dimensions to collect items to open doors to new dimensions to get more items to eventually open the one door that leads back home. All this while aliens are planning to nefariously do… something. It doesn’t make much sense, but hey, it’s an adventure game, so that’s par for the course.

0:30 – Hit the first bit to actually make me laugh out loud after meeting three jaded games journalists who quit to become evil scientists. Finally, the bizarre vibe of the game is starting to work in its favor.

0:35 – The alien plan has been revealed! They’re going to take over the world using… Bejeweled? Eh, not the worst plan I’ve heard.

0:38 – In a dimension where Britain is part of the United States. Usually stuff like this just ends in annoyance and bad attempts at humor, but there are some genuinely good jokes about both nations cultures. This game is starting to win me over.

0:45 – A bit of beer tampering and three passed out Brits get me a top hat. I swear it makes sense in context.

0:50 – So far this is an amusing, if unspectacular, adventure game. I’m off to the dimensional lift (exactly what it sounds like), so hopefully there will be something that stands out more through there.

0:51 – Game developer dinosaurs. Huh. At least with the dimensional travel context the weirdness seems less forced and more entertaining.

1:00 – Apparently the alien overlords are pleased with my progress and that people like Bejeweled. A convenient stopping point.

Conclusion: Ben There, Dan That is, so far, a solid adventure game. The production qualities are low with repetitive music and Newgrounds level graphics, but the writing is solid (and getting better) and nowhere near as frustratingly esoteric as most adventure games. For a game that costs a couple of bucks, you get more than your money’s worth.

Will I keep playing it: Yes, if nothing else to see what other bizarre dimensions the creators have thought up.

What is the 2012 Gaming Project?

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 16:57:00 -0500

Going over the remnants of 2011, and coming off of the 2011 Steam winter sale, I came to a conclusion: I have too damn many games that I haven’t even played. Exactly 200 games, not counting mobile games. These are games that I’ve never played, barely played (i.e. less than 15 minutes), or haven’t played in so long it might as well be a new game. So I resolved that I would not buy another game until I have completely conquered my backlog. This is my record of doing just that.

The rules: I have until the end of 2012 to play every game in my backlog. I will play each game for at least 1 hour and write about it Games For Lunch style. Only then will I allow myself to move on to newer games. Should I fail, I will give away each game I do not play.

200 games, 361 days left. Lets do this.